aston martin slippers
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aston martin slippers Post Review
🍏 https://t.co/dgLgiVqyHu
all I want for Christmas is an Audi R8, Aston Martin db9, Mercedes s class AMG coupe and a pair of slippers
woke up in the morning, fuck it, bought a yellow aston martin ... yellow polo, polo slippers, white and yellow polo socks
Dad bought a pair of slippers on eBay for my mum - Came with a free Aston Martin key in the box 😝🔑… http://t.co/OYValD6lWi
@awesome22farhan @laralatex got a test drive of an Aston Martin and a Ferrari 390.....and some slippers!
Put a quids worth into the Aston Martin DB5 "Q" and tell Moneypenny to have my Noddy slippers ready! »» http://www.bda-london.co.uk
Aston Martin "slippers" are available…worry not #SensibleFootware #SafetyGripForTheGeriatric http://t.co/fjoLei84Cq
"Slippers nko? “@ComplexMag: Aston Martin's bicycle cost $39,000: http://t.co/lTJZNIuO”"
You gotta be wearing Slippers to listen to Aston Martin Music
Forget grad school I'm tryna marry a rich man and be a homemaker. Shoot ill get ur slippers if u get me an aston martin...j/p I would neva
aston martin slippers Q&A Review
What ignorant thing did a retail employee say that made you walk out of the store without buying a single item?
I’m actually going to write about the exact opposite experience. As my credential states, I’m uh, pretty seriously fucked in the head, although I’m on meds and mostly clean up OK. (,Me, Pizza, Ridgewood NJ-1-2,) I grew up in a Wall Street bedroom community, Ridgewood NJ. This is relevant. I also used to have a high-paying job; the kind where you can ask the Aston Martin rep at the NY Auto show if they can put child seat mounts in the back of a DB9. Anyway, I got it in my head to take pictures at the mall in Summit NJ, which is VERY high class. I wore the grey sweater and jacket in the above photo, but because I like being comfortable, I wore bedroom slippers instead of shoes. Did I mention there was over a foot of snow on the ground? I decided to visit the Cartier store to discuss wristwatches. I love the entry-level, Patek Philippe, which is so understated and elegant, but hey - it’s good to have options. (I collect Social Security Disability, so this was PURELY hypothetical). And…? The saleslady was very nice. Answered my questions, showed me several options, gave me her card when I asked. Conclusion? Rich people can be VERY eccentric, I think. That’s the explanation that best satisfied Occam’s razor. Also, Cartier has some seriously nice jewelry, and if you can, you should patronize them, because they treat obvious lunatics as though they matter. I also went to Tiffany’s after that, and they were nice too, so … go to the mall in Summit NJ, OK? (Aside: grandpa Fretz was a Methodist minister in Summit, so there’s that)
What are the best James Bond movies?
With the exception of 2 of the Bond films, they’re all worth a watch. Most of them are pretty darn good and a handful are even timeless classics. So which are the best ones? Well, that’s not really for me to say, is it? Your taste is not going to be the same as mine (or anyone else’s), so even if I give you a list, you might find it completely wrong once you see the films for yourself. What I ,can, do is be a complete hypocrite and tell you which is the ,best, Bond film! There’s just one problem: I don’t actually know which is the best one! I’ve never really decided that before. I have a couple of contenders in mind, but I’ve never actually sat down and cut off the umbilical cord to all the films except the one to rule them all. It sounds like fun to find out, though. Yeah, let’s do it! Right here! Right now! But we’ll do it scientifically, of course, by scoring each and every goddamn film in the series and then draw our conclusions from there. So…shall we? Dr. No (1962) Plot Fake Asian evil scientist wants to disrupt the Project Mercury space launch by jamming it with evil radio waves. - 1/5 Bond Sean Connery is a bit green here in his first outing, but he’s also effortlessly charming and takes the role seriously. 3/5 Action Bond walks on the beach, takes a shower and punches a few henchmen. 1/5 Women Ursula Andress. In a bikini. On a Jamaican beach. Her character may be completely lost in the woods, but who cares? 5/5 Gadgets Dr. No has an evil tank disguised as a flame-throwing dragon. It’s shit and fools no one. - 1/5 Music Not too bad…if you like Calypso. And seashell songs… 2/5 Score,: 13/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. From Russia with Love (1963) Plot Evil crime organization SPECTRE wants Bond dead and sends their agents after him. Bond runs around in Turkey, fighting and killing a bit. - 2/5 Bond Connery is much more at ease this time around. Charming and deadly in equal measure, he bangs both guns, henchmen and women. - 4/5 Action A justifiably famous fight scene on a train. Fantastic. - 5/5 Women Daniela Bianchi as a sexy Russian spy. Aliza Gur and Martine Beswick as horny gypsies fighting over Bond. Lotte Lenya as a middle-aged lesbian assassin. - 4/5 Gadgets An explosive briefcase. That’s about it. Very disappointing. - 1/5 Music A rather forgettable score, but the title song is pretty good, even though it’s sung by a man (Matt Monro). This was the early 60’s, however, so Matt had to wait until the end credits to have his voice heard. The opening credits featured an instrumental version of the song. He he he. - 3/5 Score,: 19/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Goldfinger (1964) Plot A German fatso and his merry henchmen (and women) plan to ruin the gold reserves at Fort Knox with nuclear radiation and thus increase the value of his own stash. - 2/5 Bond Arguably Connery’s finest portrayal of the character. Everything you could ever want Bond to be, that’s what he is here. But he’s not Roger Moore so it doesn’t matter. Sorry, Sean. - 4/5 Action An even mix of greatness and shitness. For every thrown decapitate hat, there’s a scene of Bond fighting a girl…..and losing. - 3/5 Women A whole squadron of them. Pussy Galore and her flying bimbos, in fact! Pussy is played by the eternally youthful Honor Blackman. She may not have been the prettiest broad Bond ever banged, but she aged the most gracefully by far, remaining gorgeous into her mid-90’s! - 3/5 Gadgets Bond’s Aston Martin is famous for a reason, but then there’s also the aforementioned hat as well as a giant laser to cut off balls with. Things are definitely improving. - 4/5 Music Great title track sung by Shirley Bassey and the score is suitably spy-ish. From the casino table to the bedside table, this isn’t bad at all. - 4/5 Score,: 20/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Thunderball (1965) Plot SPECTRE are at it again. This time they’ve stolen atomic bombs and hold the world for ransom of ONE MEEEELLION POUNDS! Bond tracks them down to the Bahamas where he pisses off one of the organization’s head honchos and sleeps with his women. - 3/5 Bond With this fourth film, the Bond franchise truly became a global phenomenon, so of course Connery looks very pleased, indeed. Money, money, money. - 4/5 Action Disappointing. Bond flees from sharks, murders the lovely Vargas (my favourite useless henchman of all time) and blows up a nice boat by speeding it straight into a projection screen. And then there’s about 30 minutes of fucking boring underwater fighting where you can’t see what’s going on. - 2/5 Women Claudine Auger has Bambi eyes, Luciana Paluzzi is hilarious and Martine Beswick is back from Turkey as a different character. All are the definition of “Yes, I’ve got an oil tanker in my pants!”. - 5/5 Gadgets The Aston Martin is back, but we’ve seen it before, so it doesn’t count. What else? A stupid jet pack (with stupid helmet) and a Geiger counter watch. Pfft… - 2/5 Music Tom Jones , the second man to sing of his love for Bond, puts so much effort into his performance that he probably needed a box of Kleenex when he was done. Fortunately, it’s a perfectly good song. And the score is fine as well. - 4/5 Score,: 20/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. You Only Live Twice (1967) Plot Written by Roald Dahl (Willy Wonka), the film sees SPECTRE (again 🥱) boss Blofeld steal both American and Soviet crewed spacecraft and hiding them inside a fake Japanese volcano. This taking place during the cold war, Bond travels to Japan, fails to disguise himself as a local, bangs a broad and then lets a team of ninjas do the hard work for him and save the day. - 1/5 Bond Already regretting signing on for a multi-picture deal, Connery looks terminally bored throughout and basically sleepwalks his way through the film. - 1/5 Action Bond “speaks Japanese” by bowing a lot and squinting his eyes. Then he flies a stupid portable helicopter for no reason, manages to land it somehow and runs around a lot. - 1/5 Women Akiko Wakabayashi plays a Japanese agent who helps Bond by sleeping with him. Mie Hama plays Bond’s fake wife whom he marries in an uncomfortable scene. None of them want to be in the film. None of them are memorable. - 1/5 Gadgets I’ve already blown my load and revealed the gadgets in the film. There’s the stupid helicopter and the fake volcano. And Sean’s makeup. - 1/5 Music This is the film’s one saving grace. Nancy Sinatra sings the beautiful title song, adorned with a glorious, Asian-flavoured string arrangement. - 4/5 Score,: 9/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) Plot Blofeld is back again. This time, he wants to render all food plants and livestock infertile or something. Bond takes the train down to the Alps to put a stop to that bald son of a bitch, once and for all. Surprisingly not at all as boring as it sounds! - 4/5 Bond Connery, having gone mad in Japan, is replaced with the younger and much more average George Lazenby. But against all rational expectations, the young lad pulls it off with a great performance that is filled with both humor, sensitivity and pathos! Something Connery would seriously struggle with. - 4/5 Action Good and bad. Bond uses an entire crane to lift an old-school fax machine up to an apartment, just to copy some files!!!!! Genius!!!!! There’s also some fine skiing and bobsled scenes that are both fast and exciting. But far too much time is spent sitting around drinking booze. - 4/5 Women Blofeld has a literal harem of ladies hidden away, up in the Alps. The only recognizable face among them is Joanna Lumley (of Absolutely Fabulous fame) who was rather stunning in those days (and still is). But the beauty crown easily goes to the magnificent Diana Rigg, a woman so intelligent and formidable that Bond agrees to marry her. She gets my vote for the best Bond girl of them all. - 5/5 Gadgets An old-school fax machine!!!!! - 5/5 Music One of John Barry’s best score. We’re introduced to the alternative main action theme (whatever it’s called) and Louis Armstrong delivers the most beautiful song ever heard in a Bond film (We Have All the Time in the World). - 5/5 Score,: 27/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) Plot Fucking Blofeld again!! This time, he wants to use smuggled diamonds to build a laser-weapon capable of destroying Washington D.C. Of course it’s all about extorting the world for cash. What else? Bond goes undercover to stop him in Las Vegas and blah blah blah… - 1/5 Bond Money talks, and so Connery is back in the role once more. He seems to have aged about 30 years in the 4 years since he went to Japan, but other than that, he’s much more jovial this time around. Even skipping his step a bit while trying to speak Dutch. But it’s not enough to save this shit film. - 2/5 Action Sigh. There are two gay assassins who show up everywhere to creep everyone out with their bizarre jokes. Bond’s stuntman drives a car, steals a moon buggy and climbs a hotel wall. And then there’s a BIG SHOWDOWN on an oil rig. All made on a TV movie budget. It’s extremely boring. - 1/5 Women Lovely Jill St. John gets the worst role of a lifetime as an airhead floozy who looks good shooting a machine gun while wearing nothing but a bikini. Lana Wood (Natalie Wood’s less stunning sister) shows up. And there’s also some wrestling babes. Mixed bag, in other words. - 3/5 Gadgets A grappling gun. And the space buggy, which proves utterly useless. - 1/5 Music Once again, it’s the music that saves the day in one of Connery’s late Bond films. Shirley Bassey returns with an even greater title song, belting out with great force how she doesn’t give a shit about men when she can have diamonds. - 5/5 Score,: 13/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Live and Let Die (1973) Plot Mr. Big (not Blofeld!), a Harlem drug boss, plans to distribute heroin for free to put his competition out of business. He goes too far when he kills 3 of Bond’s colleagues, however, and Bond, royally pissed off, heads down to confront him at his place of operations in the Caribbean, where voodoo and all sorts of shit is going down! - 3/5 Bond Roger Moore takes over the role, and thank god for that! Rarely has an actor been better suited for anything than Roger proved to be here. Cruel when he needs to be, a charming gentleman at all other times, with just a raised eyebrow and a perfectly delivered one-liner, he puts all other Bonds to shame. - 5/5 Action Where to start? Bond jumps on the back of alligators, cheats at cards, kills a snake with his aftershave, crashes a bus, hang glides, ruins a speedboat and blows up the bad guy with a gas pallet! - 5/5 Women Gorgeous medium Jane Seymour is too dumb to see through Bond’s tricks and gets shagged instead. Gloria Hendry is just dumb and dies. After being shagged, of course. - 4/5 Gadgets Sadly, not much. A digital watch. Ooooohh! - 1/5 Music Paul McCartney offers up one of his very best solo compositions as the title song. Wait, that’s not quite true. His wife, Linda, wrote the middle reggae section. But whatever, it’s fantastic! - 5/5 Score,: 23/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. The Man with the Golden Gun (1975) Plot Scaramanga, the greatest gentleman assassin in the world, only kills people with golden bullets (to show off). He also owns his own island off the coast of Thailand, where he’s built a solar laser weapon because he’s bored and wants to watch things burn. All good and well, but Bond still has to stop him. Which he does via an odyssey of misogyny, racism, sexism, torture of dwarves and overweight martial arts. - 3/5 Bond Moore remains his usual charming self, even as the world around him devolves into a sorry mess of sleaze and xenophobia. That takes skill! - 4/5 Action There’s a lot going on here. A car flies in the air (!), another car flies over a river (a stunning stunt ruined by a stupid sound effect). And there’s also a pointless boat chase, bombs on a beach, sumo wrestling, embarrassing karate (or something) and a dwarf gets locked inside a suitcase. - 3/5 Women Two Swedes, this time. Maude Adams is lovely but gets mercilessly abused by everyone. And Britt Ekland makes Barbie look like a rocket scientist. Still, if it’s sexy you want, look no further! - 4/5 Gadgets The titular gun, assembled from a golden pen, a golden cigarette case, a golden this or that and some more golden stuff. The flying car. Britt Ekland’s bikini. And, of course, Scaramanga’s third nipple. - 4/5 Music Decidedly average. Lulu can’t even be bothered to sing a title track. Instead, she screams her head off to the slightly rubbish “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”. I suppose the score is somewhat better, but yeah….meh. - 2/5 Score,: 20/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) Plot Reclusive madman Karl Stromberg wants to create a fascist master race of people under the sea. Bond disapproves and sets out to spoil his fun. - 3/5 Bond For many, this is their favourite Moore Bond film, but it’s not my favourite. That said, Roger is arguably the most Moore-ish he’s ever been, and that can only ever be a great thing. - 5/5 Action If the story is the same old, same old, the action certainly isn’t! You have a bit of everything thrown in here. Car chases, helicopter assassins, a submarine Lotus, a water scooter, camel riding, metal teeth, you name it! - 5/5 Women Barbara Bach (Ringo’s wife) plays Russia’s mediocre female answer to 007. She wants to kill Bond for killing her ex, but she’s mostly only good at looking good and shagging, so she quickly forgets about such silly things. - 4/5 Gadgets I did mention the submarine Lotus, didn’t I? Enough said. - 5/5 Music After one of the greatest opening sequences in the franchise, Carly Simon sings what is arguably the best Bond theme song of them all “Nobody Does it Better”. Absolutely superb. - 5/5 Score,: 27/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Moonraker (1979) Plot Flamboyant madman Hugo Drax, rich enough to do whatever he wants, wants to create a new fascist master race, in the very best Stromberg tradition. But instead of going underwater, he wants to do it with a bit more style. In space! Naturally, Bond disapproves. - 4/5 Bond Moore, at the height of his Moore powers, lazily glides through the plot, never doing more than is absolutely necessary (mustn’t get one’s suit stained) and not really giving a shit about anything except having a good time. - 5/5 Action This one’s got everything! Comedy parachute jumps, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” door codes, Venetian boat chases (on land!!), rubber snakes, cable car jumps, a centrifuge chamber, double take pigeons, twirling moustaches and space battles in space! - 5/5 Women Corinne Cléry looks good in her 5-second appearance as Drax’s helicopter pilot, Emily Bolton looks good in Rio….but it’s Lois Chiles who win’s Bond’s balls by impressing him with the way she beats up a henchman. - 4/5 Gadgets For the most part, the film is filled with bog-standard toys, but then there’s also the brilliant “wrist dart gun” which not only looks cool, but it actually both useful and integral to the plot. Twice! - 5/5 Music This is excellent. John Barry provides a suitably travelogue-like score which perfectly reflects the atmosphere of all the many locations Bond visits, and Shirley Bassey returns for a third time to sing yet another incredible title song. And there’s even a disco version of it which plays over the end credits! - 5/5 Score,: 28/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. For Your Eyes Only (1981) Plot A plastic toy which also functions as a missile command system has gone missing. Bond wants it. The Soviets want it. Who will get it? Who gives a shit? All that matters is that Bond befriends a hot babe who’s out for revenge on the man responsible for killing her parents. The same man who stole the plastic toy. And hey, Greece looks lovely. - 4/5 Bond After the cartoonish Moonraker, the producers wanted a more serious tone for this film. Bond had to show his ruthless side a bit more and remind everyone that he’s actually licensed to kill. Well, Moore has no problem with this. He kills henchmen with brutal style and the hopes of underage girls with ice cream. - 5/5 Action Pretty good stuff here. An explosive “car alarm”, Blofeld dies (!), an airplane assassination, vertigo-inducing rock climbing, pistachio nut munching, a bad-ass crossbow, the best ski chase of the franchise, a drunken guy and the most hilarious car chase ever filmed. More serious? Nah! - 5/5 Women Carole Bouguet is the hot babe with a blood lust. Of course she forgets all about her purpose in life as soon as she meets Bond. Very understandable. Lynn-Holly Johnson is the ice-skating prodigy brat with a Lolita-esque thirst for middle-aged cock. The first overtly jail bait character Bond’s met so far. - 4/5 Gadgets Nothing exciting. It’s mostly just different kinds of practical gear related to the action moments I already mentioned everything above. But Bond does have a video watch which he uses to call up Margaret Thatcher. - 4/5 Music Bill Conti takes over the score duties on this one, and he does a fair job. But the highlight is the title track, performed on screen during the opening credits by Scottish nymph, Sheena Easton. - 5/5 Score,: 27/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Octopussy (1983) Plot Someone is stealing fancy eggs from the Soviet government. The trail leads Bond to India and Kamal Khan, a suave asshole and Afghan prince, who’s very bad at backgammon. Khan’s associate, Octopussy, the female leader of the Octopus Cult, agrees to help Bond to fuck things up. Oh, and then there’s also a plot to force disarmament in Western Europe with the use of a nuclear weapon! - 5/5 Bond If Moore had fun in Moonraker, here he’s practically slapsticking it up! For most people, having fun takes effort. For Moore, it’s the opposite. Every problem and dangerous situation is the perfect opportunity to crack the perfect wiseass joke. Which he does in inimitable fashion. - 5/5 Action One of the most action-packed entries in the series. There’s a brilliant jet plane opening, car chases, a train chase, mad Russians, tossed eggs, clowns, a nuclear bomb, thrown knives, midair airplane climbing, an alligator boat, an escape from a balcony with a dress (!), a nice tiger and a closeup of tits. - 5/5 Women Maud Adams returns, presumably with 8 pussies. Bond seems to like her. Kristina Wayborn (another Swede) looks nice and kicks her legs. - 4/5 Gadgets Most of it is just egg tracking devices, but Bond has an acid pen, at least. And hey, I did mention the alligator boat. What do you want? - 3/5 Music No title song this time, but Rita Coolidge sings the excellent and very underrated “All Time High”. The score is all right, too. - 4/5 Score,: 26/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. A View to a Kill (1985) Plot Rich moron Max Zorin, developer of microchips, decides to literally wipe out his Silicon Valley competition by setting off a super-earthquake in the San Andreas Fault at high tide, and thus flooding the valley. Bored, Bond can barely bother to get off his arse to stop him. But I guess he needs the money, so he does what he’s told. - 1/5 Bond I hate to hate on Moore because I happen to love the guy, but he was frankly too old to play the role by now, and considering that 90% of his performance was done by stuntmen, I’m not sure why he showed up at all. - 1/5 Action There’s a lot of that, but it just doesn’t work. Moore’s stuntman has a ski chase in Iceland (Moore never even went there), runs around the Eiffel Tower, destroys a shitty French car, hangs off a fire truck and climbs a model of the Golden Gate Bridge. What does Moore do? He puts on a pair of shades. - 2/5 Women Tanya Roberts plays a boring bimbo whose role in life is to shout “James!”. Grace Jones is Zorin’s psycho lover and henchwoman, and is the sole reason to watch this turd of a fuck up of a film. - 2/5 Gadgets A snow scooter, an iceberg submarine, a useless robot dog, a tape recorder. - 2/5 Music Finally something good! The score is one of the best of the series, and Duran Duran’s title song is a classic. - 5/5 Score,: 13/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. The Living Daylights (1987) Plot KGB general, Koskov, wants to defect to the West. Bond saves him from a sexy sniper and then drags hiss ass from Czechoslovakia back to Britain. Koskov reveals a Russian plot by general Pushkin to eliminate spies, but is then abducted and brought back to Moscow. All is not as it seems, however, and Bond, the sexy sniper and (eventually) Pushkin all fly over to Afghanistan to blow shit up. Or something. - 3/5 Bond With Moore now wearing slippers, Timothy Dalton steps in. An actor of the stage, he brings a new sense of intense seriousness to the role. And while this in many ways is admirable, it also means that what little humor is present in the film, is delivered by a man with a seemingly permanent case of constipation. - 3/5 Action Bond fights with the monkeys of Gibraltar, drives in the snow, goes snowboarding in a cello case, nearly falls out of a cargo plane, and gets sand in his face. - 4/5 Women Maryam d’Abo (the sexy sniper) gets Bond all to herself in this one. She’s pretty as a picture but I’m not sure what Bond sees in her. He’s a man of action. She’s a woman of silent wonder. - 4/5 Gadgets A ghetto blaster (boombox rocket launcher), exploding milk bottles, an Aston Martin V8 (FAR superior to the Goldfinger one)…and that’s about it. Not that impressive, perhaps, but the AM is my favourite Bond car. - 3/5 Music John Barry HATED working with Norwegian boyband A-ha, and I suppose it could be one reason why this was the last Bond film he worked on. But together, they still managed to produce a rather good title track. - 4/5 Score,: 21/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. License to Kill (1989) Plot On his friend Leitner’s wedding day, Bond and Leitner show off a bit by capturing a nasty drug lord by the name of Sanchez. Sanchez, however, escapes and returns to torture Leitner and murder his wife. Rather miffed by this, Bond decides to return the favour but is stopped in his tracks by his boss, M, who wants to assign him to a different mission in Turkey. Disobeying orders, Bond goes rogue and spends the rest of the film pursuing his own, personal vendetta. - 4/5 Bond Dalton is no longer troubled by his lack of bowel movements. I suppose the producers said: “Fuck it, Tim! You want to be intense? Then be INTENSE!!”. In other words, he’s free to forget all about cracking uncomfortable jokes and kill bad guys with his bulging eyes instead. - 4/5 Action Surprisingly violent. People die from being eaten by sharks, blown up in a decompression chamber, burned alive and….even pistol wounds! - 4/5 Women A double bill, this time, but sadly no sandwich. Carey Lowell plays a blonde with confusing dialogue. Talisa Solo gets the better part as Sanchez’s girlfriend who’d rather shag Bond. They don’t do much, but they look great on the film poster! - 3/5 Gadgets A manta ray underwater camouflage, laser X-ray Polaroid camera, a fingerprint gun that only works for the person with the right prints, explosive C4 toothpaste and a radio transmitter hidden inside a broom handle. Is this good? It seems a bit “novelty” to me. - 3/5 Music Soul diva Gladys Knight sings her heart out on the powerful title track. It seems unfairly underrated today, but I say it’s great. So there. - 5/5 Score,: 23/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Goldeneye (1995) Plot OK, Goldeneye is a satellite armed with a nuclear electromagnetic pulse space-based weapon (or Soviet’s mini Death Star, if you will). It’s dangerous. It blows shit up. Aaaarrrghh!!! Bond sets out on an epic journey to stop whoever’s in charge of it and destroy the goddamn thing once and for all, making sure to blow up both Moscow and Cuba in the process. However, the person responsible is an old friend with a score to settle… - 3/5 Bond Remington Steele….I mean, Pierce Brosnan finally gets his chance to play the character he was promised in the 80’s, and for the most part, he doesn’t disappoint. He’s a bit too stiff and girlish for my taste, but I have to admit that he does look rather fetching in a tux. At least in this film. - 3/5 Action Quite a lot. There’s a tank on the loose in Moscow! Not to mention helicopter bits and plane bits. One impressive bungee jump off a dam. Lots of snarky closeups. Explosions aplenty. Yelling Russians. Feminist Brits. An annoying nerd. A standard car chase. And a fight on top of a huge satellite dish. - 4/5 Women Izabella Scorupco = Sexy Russian programmer. Also an annoying bitch who spends the majority of the film screaming at Bond to “DO SOMETHING!” while doing fuck-all herself. Famke Janssen = Henchwoman. Also a psychotic sex maniac who doesn’t know the difference between fucking someone and killing them. - 2/5 Gadgets A grappling/laser gun, the old Goldfinger Aston Martin, a transmitting camera, an explosive pen and a PC with 5 mb’s worth or RAM. Impressive tech in the 90’s. Today, it’s shit. - 1/5 Music A great title track, written by Bono and The Edge (U2) and sung with gusto by the legendary Tina Turner. - 4/5 Score,: 17/30 Sexist, misogynist dinosaurs. Tomorrow Never Dies (1998) Plot Media baron, Elliot Carver, wants to rule the media. And to do this, he decides to start a war between Britain and China. With the help of science, he sends a British ship off-course into Chinese waters, and they don’t like that very much. Bond’s boss, M, has 48 hours to avoid the eruption of war, so she sends Bond to take care of it. Which he does by sleeping around, sitting on a motorcycle and killing everyone. - 2/5 Bond Brosnan, no longer as young and pretty as he used to be, still seems more comfortable in Bond’s shoes than last time. He whispers sarcastic remarks and threats and squints his eyes a lot. Which is enough for this film, I suppose. - 2/5 Action Bond flies a jet plane, lets a woman drive him around on a motorcycle, is nearly decapitated by a helicopter, fights a blonde German and so on. - 3/5 Women Michelle Yeoh is the one bad-ass Bond girl who doesn’t need Bond. She can easily beat his spotty arse if she wants to, but she’d rather ride a motorcycle. Teri Hatcher, on the other hand, is dumb enough to be both Carver’s girlfriend and Bond’s ex. Wow… - 3/5 Gadgets A cigarette lighter grenade. A magnetic grenade. A rigged grenade. A stealth boat. The old Goldfinger Aston Martin yet again. Earring lockpick. Too many grenades. - 2/5 Music Sheryl Crow sings a passable title song. She can do a LOT better. - 3/5 Score,: 15/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. The World is Not Enough (1999) Plot Boring terrorist Renard assassinates Sir Robert King. Bond’s mission is to protect King’s daughter, Electra, who previously was held for ransom by Renard. Oh, and then someone wants to increase petroleum prices by triggering a nuclear meltdown in the waters of Istanbul. Sigh. Guess who’s responsible… - 2/5 Bond Brosnan is beginning to look tired now. Usually, Bond actors find their mojo by their second or third film, but not so here. He looks bloated and bored. - 2/5 Action There’s a cool underwater escape, followed by relationship drama and a fight onboard a submarine with a man who can’t feel pain. Zzzzz - 2/5 Women Sophie Marceau plays the sophisticated and sexy Electra King. NIce. Denise Richards plays Lara Croft, the scientist who does no science. - 3/5 Gadgets A digital watch with a grappling gun (!), the awesome Q Boat (a kind of sub) and a BMW Z8, remote controlled with a phone. - 4/5 Music Garbage delivers what is, so far, the last decent title song in a Bond film. - 4/5 Score,: 17/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Die Another Day (2002) Plot Bond is a prisoner in North Korea. After having his shit beaten out of him, he’s released and traded for local homeboy, madman terrorist Zao. As soon as he’s free, Bond decides to hunt down Zao. And then there’s another Goldeneye-type weapon, this time in the hands of a rich snotty boy who wants to destroy the world or something. - 1/5 Bond Brosnan’s last hurrah (seems like the wrong word), and thank god for that! By now, he’s middle-aged, pudgy, bored and probably too Irish to play the role. He tries to not phone it in, but the only time his squinty eyes open up is when they see half-naked ladies. - 1/5 Action Whatever action there is, is ruined by the CGI WINDSURFING SCENE. Probably the worst CGI ever seen in a film. Even by 2002 standards, it’s woefully offensive to the eye and it makes even The Scorpion King look expensive. - 1/5 Women Rosamund Pike is supposed to be an MI6 agent, but she mostly just looks stunning in her black top. Roarrr. Halle Berry is probably supposed to be pointless, but she mostly just brings out my teenage hormones in that bikini. Roarrr. Madonna….wait, WTF? Oh yeah, the producers wanted her to do the song for this one, and she would only do it if she could be in the film as well. Whatever, not even Madge can ruin my boner for the other two. - 5/5 Gadgets The Aston Martin Vanquish, a car with an invisibility cloak. Scientifically, it’s insanely stupid. But I still like it. Even the bad CGI can’t hurt it. However, ONE cool gadget is not for a good score. - 2/5 Music Madonna got her role in the film, but she didn’t return the favour. I mean, it ,is ,a title track, but that’s all it is. Literally. She just keeps repeating the title line, over and over, to some braindead industrial beat. - 1/5 Score,: 11/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Casino Royale (2006) Plot In this reboot of the franchise, Bond is tasked to bankrupt terrorist financier Le Chiffre by beating his ass in a high-stakes game of poker. But who beats whom? It’s so hard to tell these days, you know? One can flip the cards endlessly and analyze every aspect of every game. Or one can just stop wasting one’s readers’ time… - 3/5 Bond A reboot means it’s time for a new Bond. A blonde Bond. A friend of mine refuses to watch the film due to this fact alone. To this day, he won’t go near it. His Bond is Roger Moore, and so is mine. But Daniel Craig brings a raw physicality to the role we haven’t seen before, even if he looks no more elegant than your average geezer off the street. - 3/5 Action Bond does parkour. Excellent! Bond has his little Bond balls crushed. Even better! And then he swims a little bit at the end. Not bad at all. - 4/5 Women Caterina Murino, a stereotypical Italian beauty, is banged by Bond and subsequently spills all her beans to him. Fool. Eva Green plays Bond’s real love interest, Vesper Lynd. She hangs around while he’s playing poker, and when he’s not, she’s good enough to have around when he wants to poke her. - 4/5 Gadgets A brand new Aston Martin DBS V12. The goddamn Goldfinger Aston Martin again. An Aston Martin field medical kit. - 2/5 Music Chris Cornell sings “You Know My Name”. Sadly, it’s not as good as the Beatles’ “You Know My Name (Look Up the Number). In fact, it’s shit. - 1/5 Score,: 17/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Quantum of Solace (2008) Plot Bond’s bitch in the previous film was murdered, and now he’s on the warpath to punish the man responsible. That’s about it, really. I mean, a lot of other things happen as well, but thanks to the fucking machine gun editing, you can’t see any of it. - 1/5 Bond Bond is dead! Long live Jason Bourne! Well, not quite. If that was true, this would actually be a good film. Still, I think Craig looks all right in it. I’m not absolutely certain, though, because every time I think I see him, I’m actually looking at the ass of a seagull. Or literally ,any, other object in the world… 2/5 Action Is there action in this film? Yes and no. There’s almost too much action if it’s the kind of asinine action you want to see, but if you actually care about being able to follow what’s going on and where everyone is in relation to at least ,something, else, then you’re shit out of luck. There’s a boat chase, a bazaar chase and a parachute jump. But it might as well be a video on epilepsy. - 1/5 Women Gemma Arterton shows up, looks cute and disappears. Olga Kurylenko is beautiful, but the editing makes her look like a wookie. - 2/5 Gadgets None. I’m not even kidding. - 1/5 Music Jack White and Alicia Keys collaborate on “Another Way to Die”, and that’s exactly what this vaginal prolapse of a tune feels like. It must’ve looked good on paper, I suppose. Two stars instead of two. Well, paper makes excellent tinder for the fire. You know what? FUCK this song. Quantum gets a minus point because of it! - -1/5 Score,: 6/30 Sickened, misogynistic dinosaurs. Skyfall (2012) Plot A hard drive containing details of MI6 undercover agents has been stolen. With their names compromised, it’s up to Bond to get the bastard who took it. Things go to shit before they get better, but then he runs into the smug guy who likes the sound of his own voice. And before you know it, it’s showdown time! - 2/5 Bond Craig seems happier this time. I suppose he was excited seeing as how this film was made to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the franchise. But really, I think he’s just relieved to have survived the ass-turd that Quantum of Shit was. Who wouldn’t be? - 2/5 Action Not much. There’s a lot of posing, though. To make sure that everyone is aware that this is the 50th anniversary of Bond, Bond has to be seen driving the Goldfinger Aston Martin, sneak around with his Walter PPK, pose in plagiarized shots from the Connery era and……listen to endless self-important monologues by the idiotic bad guy whose plot is an enormous hole. - 2/5 Women Naomie Harris looks harmless. Bérénice Marlohe looks like an evil bitch. Both of them are inconsequential to the plot. - 1/5 Gadgets Again, none. The point of the Craig films was to have him not rely on gadgets too much. So they removed them completely instead. Bad move. - 1/5 Music Adele sings the title song and…..it’s fine. It’s certainly better than any other song associated with the Bond franchise over the preceding 10 years. But is it actually good? Meh. A lot of people lapped it up because they were flying high on her “Rolling in the Deep” fame at the time, but it’s not good enough to have any real longevity. When was the last time you heard it? See? Told you so. - 3/5 Score,: 11/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. Spectre (2015) Plot Blofeld returns for the first time since 1981 when Bond killed him. But since this is the rebooted Bond, here he is for the very first time. Sigh… Anyway, he’s still the leader of Spectre, and true to his old….I mean, new habits, he has plans to launch a national surveillance network to mastermind criminal activities across the globe. Which doesn’t sound very specific, if you ask me. - 3/5 Bond Craig looks tired and sick of it all. But almost perversely, this works in his favour! Rather than run around or pose all day long, here his worn out face gives Bond a bit of gravitas and integrity. I like! - 4/5 Action Mostly car chases. But they’re very good. Bond gets a chance to show off his chops against both Euro scum and snow hills. And I like! - 4/5 Women Naomie Harris survived the previous film, so she’s back again. Not sure why. Monica Bellucci shows up to get shagged, even though she looks older than Bond by now. But Léa Seydoux looks nice, even though her character is the daughter of the bad guy from Quantum of Shit! She’s a therapist, so it’s small wonder that he falls for her hard. He needs a lot of help after being on the job for over 50 years. - 3/5 Gadgets Again, nothing. But there’s an Aston Martin DB10. That’s new! And Bond’s clothes are very cool in that Steve McQueen sort of way. No, I mean the actor! Not the film director… 3/5 Music When you think of Bond songs, do you imagine them being sung by a whining gay castrato? Yeah, me, neither. But that’s what we got here. Sam Smith moans his way through “The Writing’s on the Wall” and it’s one of the most painful experiences my eardrums have yet to suffer through. Radiohead wrote TWO songs for the film. Both were rejected. WHAT THE HELL??? - 1/5 Score,: 18/30 Sexist, misogynistic dinosaurs. And there you have it. All the official Bond films that have been released thus far. And now it’s time to reveal the winner. Who’s the best of the lot? Which of these 24 films will give you the most value for your money and for your time? Which will make you ,feel, like Bond the most? The answer is: MOONRAKER!!!
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